I AM LOVE

i've settled -
for half-assed love,
for not real love,
conditional love, fake love.
a sham of love,
the nightmare of love.
for saying "love" for the sake of hearing love;
it was debilitating love,
non-recuperative love,
very uneven love -
depleting,
repeating,
defeating,
demeaning
UN-love.

then i realized

i
am love.
fulfilling
committing
uplifting
smile when you see me,
shine to want to be with me,
float above the clouds at the thought of me
heart skip a beat when you're near me
anxiety-filled, wanting to be with me

love.

me
i'm the shit!
i.

am.
love.

2007TonyaC

(artwork: "Chocolate Rose", Alonzo Adams)

Exercising My Ego

(artwork: "Allure", Frank Morrison)

I was born in the mind of every man who has desired a good woman
I walk into a room and any man who catches my eye trembles from the wonder of me
I smile, and the sun shines; I weep and tears fall from the sky.
I walk, and as I pass, the seeds, planted as flowers, grow and begin to bloom

“I'm bad, yall!”

The electricity from my touch can light the world
The sweet nectar from my kiss can calm the angst and frustration of the most tormented soul
The melodious sound of my voice calms the stormy seas
The sway of my hips as I move has hypnotized the staunchest of critics
The natural glow of my skin has caused others to try potions, lotions and treatments in an effort to copy it

I am a most beautiful woman!

I am admired and fantasized about by all men (and some women)
The aromatic scent of my breath is sweeter than the most expensive cologne
When I inhale deeply, the trees shiver;
When I exhale, it is felt as the sweetest breeze
My random thoughts have produced the most wonderful inventions
My strength is constant and consistent, for it comes from God
I am so divine, so honored, so loved
In your wildest, most explicit dreams, you cannot fully comprehend my greatness

“I am so hip, even my errors are correct!”

What I mean to say is.....
I am beauty, personified
I am love, personified
I am wonderfully and magnificently created by God to be a divine original
I am HIS child, therefore I can be nothing less than the best!


copyright ©2006 Tonya C
Thursday May 25, 2006 - 06:43 pm (EDT)

(inspired by Nikki Giovanni; written by me)

My Tears

my tears do not diminish my purpose –
the plan God has for me
my tears do not change who I am

my tears give me strength
my tears grant me release –
and the ability to begin,
yet again

my tears signify the struggle
of my journey
and that it is not always easy or simple
or happy.
my tears cleanse my spirit
my tears allow me to focus

my tears allow me to move on
to continue striving
growing
loving
praying.

my tears
are necessary.

©TonyaC2007

artwork: "Release", Frank Morrison

I Believed in You

Take this kiss upon the brow! And, in parting from you now, Thus much let me avow - You are not wrong who deem, That my days have been a dream; Yet if hope has flown away In a night, or in a day, In a vision, or in none, Is it therefore the less gone? All that we see or seem Is but a dream within a dream.’ (Edgar Allan Poe (1809-1849)

i believed in you
in the things you said
you saw my vulnerabilities; my pain -
without deception or disguise.
you saw desire I could not hide,
you looked at me and saw inside
and i believed in you.

i fell into your words, your promises;
i lost myself in who i thought you were
made myself blind to the intolerable

and the unacceptable.
and when it was good,
it was so very good -
because i believed in you

but you couldn’t live up to
the image I had of you –
no one could.
you see, it wasn’t real.
it was all that i made myself believe.
i wanted and needed, in the town of
Perfection – a place i’ve never seen,
but i thought existed
because i believed in you.

my desire to keep and love you were so strong
that i became someone i didn't even know.
so you couldn't love me
because you never actually knew me.
i'm a total stranger
but i still believed in you

you were the best and worst
that ever happened to me.
you showed me the worst of
what man is capable of
and forced me to dig deep
and discover the best of me.
one time, too many, while believing in you
you let me down.

and God made it clear that i should have

believed in Him, instead.
and He taught me to believe in me

now the journey is so much more worthwhile.

my belief in ME and my abilities AND my expectations for love and relationships are now unshakable, undeniable, unwavering, very realistic, and rock solid.

all because i believed in you.

thank you.

©TonyaC2007
artwork: “Love Supreme”, Alonzo Adams

I Spent Time There

the infamous 'they' say we should let go of the past –
move ahead and don’t look back –
don't question; don't ask.
however, sometimes i feel i need to look back
to remember;
you see, i need to release the baggage built up within me.
can’t do that unless i know from whence that baggage came;
and why i even let it in – so i could find release-
not for the purpose of blame.

You see,
I Spent Time There. And Much of it is Still Spending Time in Me.

i want to remember the situations; to grow; to learn;
to use them as reference points,
these experiences i've earned.
at the same time, i want to release the pain those lessons bought.
didn’t realize i still harbored it;
didn't know it was so ingrained in my thoughts.
i nurtured it without owning it –
identified myself by it, through it - BECAUSE of it

You see,
I Spent Time There. And Much of it is Still Spending Time in Me.

images of what was
and clouded thoughts of what might have been.
couldn't truly enjoy the present - again –
until i released the pain within.
forgave those who sinned against me.
didn't want them controlling my life.
forgot that i hadn't forgiven myself –
in essence, the author of my own strife.

You see,
I Spent Time There. And Much of it is Still Spending Time in Me.


I had to talk it out;
I had to walk it out;
I had to work it out;
I had to cry it out;
I had to pray it out;
I had to GET IT OUT.

I no longer have room for it.
I asked God for freedom from it –
not the memories, you see –
but the negative aftershocks and debris.

the process has begun.
I finally forgave me.
i'm moving forward into today –
God granted my plea.


it is what it is. what's done is done.
the war isn't over,
but this particular battle is won.


i embrace my FABULOUS-NESS
(yeah, I said it - i made it a word).
the best is yet to come –
in this theater of the absurd.
the time has come.. i release the negativity.......


You see,
I Spent Time There. And I can no longer allow it to Spend Time in Me.


TonyaC 2007
artwork: 'Free', Nathanial Barnes