Do You See Me

(artwork: "Perfectly Black" Leonard Freeman)

Do you see me?

Do you accept me?
Do you know me?
the oddity and the mystery...the
shadow and the light
the ebb and flow
mood swings
sweet things
real and imaginary
struggling, laughing, speaking, expressing, loving
me.
acknowledgement, chastisement,
in my element
eclectic, electric, magnificent and ordinary
on high and down low
continuing to grow
to know
me.
The reality of me.
Do you see me?

copyright ©2006 Tonya C

(Sunday April 30, 2006 - 11:26pm (EDT))

The Prize

(artwork: "Diva Divine", Frank Morrison)

I will not bow down to the world’s definition of who I should be
I'm not willing to accept its forced concept of beauty
I refuse to listen to rhetoric about the ‘perfect people'
I will not watch the ‘dream' makeovers -
The lipo, the tucks, collagen, the pulls, the pins, going under the knife – no
MY perception of beauty differs vastly from those

ACCEPT ME
kinky dark hair (and a bit of gray); dark brown skin;
my beautiful full figure
(I haven't seen size 6 since elementary school)!
I have given birth, and my belly will never be flat again
My son is my living testament to the Blessing produced by my belly
My hands are not soft and tender, for I have known physical labor
I've lived life – I have scars
Some physical, some emotional – ALL helped to strengthen
I have endured; I have suffered through;
I have walked alone, enjoying my own company
I will NEVER be a runway model

KNOW NOW ME
I am daughter, sister, friend, lover, boss –
I AM MOMMY
I raise nations
And my head is held high.
the stride in my step; the sway of my hips
the roundness and fullness of my breasts
the thickness of my thighs
we all originate from one source
He thinks I’m beautiful
I am divinely created

I am the prize!

copyright ©2006 Tonya C

(Friday May 19, 2006 - 09:50pm (EDT))

A Private Party

♪I’m havin’ a private party
Ain’t nobody here but me, my Angels, and my guitar singin’
Baby, look how far we’ve come, yeah.
I’m havin’ a private party –
Learnin’ how to love me
Celebrating the woman I’ve become, yeah. ♪
(India Arie, ‘Testimony: vol. 1, Life & Relationship’)

Searching for clarification, I took stock of my current situation, taking evaluation and, through examination, I realize that it’s time for rejuvenation, clarification, restoration, concentration, and contemplation; for cogitation and meditation; for conversations – with God and myself.

Time for condemnation, cessation and cancellation of all of the negative thoughts; for creation of a new me; for elation for the life and the many Blessings that God has given me, and the journeys He’s led me to, as well as the journeys He’s brought me through.

Formation of new affirmations, building my foundation; for elimination of isolation and frustration. Time to give God a standing ovation, for Glorious Salvation! Time for denunciation, extermination, elimination, eradication and the ending of useless stagnation; to resist temptation to fall back into a defeatist attitude and the other traps that lie before me. Time for termination, annihilation, revocation of and liberation from the strongholds of the abominations of satan.

Time for acclimation of a more positive environment; for cultivation, confirmation, adaptation and activation of a new me; for self-admiration, self-adoration - the goodness I possess, by the Grace of God. Time for aspiration to a higher level of Christianity; for association with those who will uphold and support me; time for appreciation and celebration of me and of the person I wish to be.

I need to have more conversations with God; to denounce the desolation and desperation I sometimes feel.

Time for affirmation of my destination – to begin my spiritual education.
For God is my source of illumination.

Time for graduation and elevation to a higher spiritual plane; for invocation, evocation for emanation of the Holy Spirit; time for preparation for the embarkation of my journey; anticipation and expectation of the Blessings I’m about to receive.

No more procrastination, hesitation, alienation or hibernation; no more negative stimulation.
No more limitations of my abilities because of self-doubt.
I become the illustration and manifestation of the Power of prayer – the celebration of the jubilation of life.

Time for meditation on God; for personal relation; for the realization of my obligation to God, to my son, to myself; reparation and restoration of my spirit; revocation of the toleration of stinking thinking; jubilation of Holy transformation, comprehending that tribulations are necessary to build strength and character.

In summation, it’s time for therapeutic rehabilitation – to get on track and get it right. But that’s only the preliminary examination.

The journey has only just begun!

copyright ©2006 Tonya C
(artwork: "Desiny", Frank Morrison)

I'm Still Here

artwork: "Pure" -C'babi Bayoc

despite any attempts to stop me
to strip me
to hurt me
to demean me
I’m still here.

despite the obvious disdain for my existence
and overall disrespect for my life
irregardless of the constant and continuous put downs
the regulated and ridiculous ridicule
the demeaning and debasing disdain
I’m still here.

I cried
I screamed
I yelled
I threw things.

I calmed down
I accepted
I prayed and
I let go.
I overcame
I excelled.

‘he’ said I wouldn’t make it
‘she’ said I couldn’t do it
‘they’ said I wouldn’t succeed
‘they’ said many negative things
had me thinking that I had no purpose
had me believing that I was worthless
and ‘they’ didn’t even know me.

‘they’ saw the physical
but did not take into account
the mental resolve
the spiritual determination
‘they’ should NEVER count me out!

‘they’ see me now
‘they’ currently have NOTHING to say
‘cause
I’m still here.

by the grace of God
I’m still here.

copyright ©2006 Tonya C
(Thursday August 31, 2006 - 11:14pm (EDT))

Hello, Beautiful.....

artwork: "Confident" -Frank Morrison

So…………
I looked in the mirror
I mean – I REALLY looked
I was not pleased..
self-esteem issues barred my ability to see the positive.
outlining and highlighting the wrongs
have become habit
and
establishing barriers
to see the dynamic
to see the wonderful
to see the beauty
in me

I saw all the ways I’ve messed up
the mistakes
heartbreaks
the bad decisions
the stubbornness
the un-Godly
in me.

God gave me a son
who randomly says to me
‘Mommy, you’re beautiful’
for no apparent reason
other than
love
of me.

God gave me a friend
who tells me daily
‘you’re beautiful and dynamic’ and
‘your beauty emanates from your soul’
for no apparent reason
other than love
of me.

God put people in my life
who tell me regularly
‘you’re so bold and beautiful’
‘you have such self-confidence’
‘you carry yourself with such pride’
‘I wish I was more like you’
for no apparent reason
other than
belief
in me

they fail to see the failure
they do not notice the fake bravado
they are unaware of the insecurity
they are unable to recognize the fear of failure
in me

I had to think to myself:
who is this person they’re referring to??
surely it’s not me
not ME!
surely they can see the pathetic – ness
surely they sense the fear
the trepidation
the lack of self-esteem
the ugliness
of me
..............don’t they?

I thought to myself
self,
there may just be something to this self-love
thing
there may just be something to this positive self-image
thing
perhaps you are not as pathetic as the devil would have you believe

So……
I looked in the mirror
I mean – I REALLY looked
with self-love
with self-esteem
with self-worth
I saw a woman Blessed by God to be
Dynamic
Self-Assured
Confident
a woman worthy of my
Respect and Admiration
and
I said,

Hello, Beautiful.

© Copyright 2006 TonyaC
(Thursday August 24, 2006 - 09:07pm (EDT))

I Am

(artwork: "Essence of Ebony" - Frank Morrison)

does my demeanor upset you?

does my confidence disrupt your logical world?
you cannot define my true beauty –
or it’s origins.

you just can’t put your finger on my attraction...........
it’s not just one thing…..
drawn in by a charm you can’t characterize.

I am not petite............
I am not quiet and meek ...............
I have no need or desire to be coy.
I neither seek definition from others, .............
nor do I expect anyone to read my mind.
I’m quite capable of articulating my needs.
I speak my thoughts
and invite you to speak yours.

you cannot explain..........
what you experience from my presence............
the wonder,
the allure,
the fascination
the POW-A!
not to worry…..
I promise to always use my powers for good!

I am precious because I am a creation..............
of the Highest order of Intelligence -
who does not make mistakes.
I know that with God, the world is my playground...............
without God, I will just be played with.

I have the strength to maintain a full time job, and be a lifetime Mother;

I have the intelligence to converse with the highest scholars, and give them food for thought;

I have the resilience of the ages, for I have withstood being ignored, passed over and just plain not seen and still I stand tall;

I have the love of the ages to share with the one man who can appreciate me, even though my heart has been broken - more than once;

I have the faith of Job - because I know that one day, God will open the eyes of the man who will appreciate, honor and respect me

for who
I am -

A Good Woman.

© Copyright 2006 TonyaC
(Wednesday September 6, 2006)

I Miss Love

(artwork: "He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not, Frank Morrison)

i miss Love,

the intimacy, the touch,

the embrace, sharing space;

conversations, declarations

of love.

public displays of affection - that glorious connection

better than the most delightful confection

floating on clouds, unaware of the crowds

that surround us - because there is only us, when we are together

smiling, just because it’s wonderful to be in the presence of one who

loves you

i miss Love,

the hush of silence shared, dreams, as yet undeclared

holding hands, making plans

walks in the park, whispers in the dark

longing gazes, and fiery blazes

of romantic notions

sweetness wrapped in passion, not always requiring action,

feeling much more than physical attraction

joyful laughter, when all that matters

is being in the presence of one who

loves you

i miss Love,

hands that crave me, thoughts that gave me

wings to fly, to soar on high

eyes that adore me, looking deep into the core of me –

understanding my essence, and subsequent acquiescence

to love

knowing me - all of me - and still accepting me

mornings after, KNOWING that hereafter

I will forever be able to enjoy the presence of one who

loves me

i miss Love

republished 2015

©2006tonyalbc